We've got a cruiser!

Wow! Month 7 and month 8 seem to have been the busiest months yet! In the past 2 months, Cole has grown 2 teeth, started crawling, started pulling up and standing, and saying "mama." We've also started sleeping 10+ hours at night, which has been pure bliss!

What a ham!

I love his curiosity.

My little boy

I just realized that I don't post enough pictures of my little man on here. I must be a terrible mother. 

Turns out, my little man is not so "little" anymore. He weighs about 18 pounds, is 28 inches tall, and tries to eat everything in sight. He has 1 tooth and eats baby food as well as fresh fruits and vegetables. I would say his favorite food he has tried so far is cantaloupe, although he's not really picky. To date, he has not turned away a single piece of food that has been offered to him. LOL.

Here he is with a piece of celery.

He sleeps good at night and naps well throughout the day. His favorite activity right now is probably standing. He loves to stand up with our assistance, although he can't balance himself yet. But he likes to try to take steps and reach to the ground for his toys. 

Here he is with his Auntie.

At 7 months, he's not quite crawling yet but I don't think it will be long. He currently "crawls" in a circle and doesn't appreciate being on his tummy for very long, but I think that will change when he figures out he can move himself. We usually put a blanket underneath him when he's on the floor, and instead of crawling to his toys, he pulls the blanket towards him to get them. Working smarter, not harder! ;-)

He likes to play, but when he's tired, he's tired. I have never seen a child scream so bad to be put in his bed to go to sleep. Most kids enjoy being rocked and cuddled. And so did Cole. Now, the only time I get cuddles is in the morning when no one else is awake - and that's only if I'm lucky. But Mike? He gets cuddles and the joy of rocking him to sleep on most nights. It must be their "man time." I swear that boy never lets me rock him to sleep like he lets his Daddy do it!

Rocking with Daddy.

He never meets a stranger. He LOVES attention and will smile and flirt with anyone who walks by.

Who wouldn't love this face?

Having a baby and all, part 2

We had talked about it off and on, and the truth is, I didn't really want to quit working. I like working. I like making money and building my career. And truthfully, I never really saw myself as being the stay-at-home type. I was scared.

What if I stay at home and get bored being "just Mom"? How will this departure affect me if and when I decide to return to the workplace? Do I have what it takes to stay at home and be a good mom? What if it makes the depression and anxiety worse?

There were a lot of what if's. That's what took me so long to decide. I kept looking for a sign. I prayed about it, and I felt sure that I would recognize the sign and know what it was that I was supposed to do. I was waiting for the right moment, the right sign. That security of knowing exactly what I should do.

I guess you could say I didn't get quite what I was expecting. The truth is, I didn't know if I was doing the right thing.

But I guess necessity breeds invention and some things you learn after the fact. A family friend told me recently that I looked as though the stress had just "faded away" from my face. The funny thing about that is that she had no idea what had been going on.

What I do know is that I am truly enjoying being at home with my little man. I feel better. I look better. I am a lot less stressed and I am happier. And I guess it shows.

Having a baby and all, part 1

This is a really hard post for me to write. Usually, I don't write about inside personal struggles; but I feel compelled to talk about it because I think it's a topic that is often ignored or looked over.

For the past few months, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety. I'm self-diagnosing it postpartum depression and anxiety, since I just had a baby.

My world changed. Once sleep-filled Saturdays turned into 2 a.m. necessity baths and 9 p.m. whatever dinners. Even when Cole's sleeping, I'm constantly doing one thing after the other: picking up, making bottles, showering. I have no relax time anymore. It's run, run, run. And it is taking its toll.

More than once I've had to call friends and family in the middle of the night to see if someone - anyone - could come help with Cole. I didn't feel like I could do one more thing. More than once has the sound of him waking over the baby monitor sent anxiety through my veins and made my heart race. I feel guilty even admitting that.

It hit me around the third month. I had gone back to work and Mike was working his week-on/week-off schedule. Life, as it was, returned to "normal." I realized the depression pretty quickly, having had bouts of it on and off in the past. It was the anxiety that I didn't quite recognize. Then one night - Mike was working - I woke up with Cole and couldn't catch my breath. I thought I was going to pass out. Who would take care of my baby if I were to die in the middle of the night with Mike gone?

It was then that I realized that I was having an anxiety attack. I knew I would be OK, but that doesn't get you very far when you can't catch your breath and there's someone in the other room who needs you. At 3:30 a.m. that day, I called my dad, who lives over an hour away, to come keep me company and help out with Cole.

That was the day that I said enough. I needed to cut out a stresser. That day, I decided to quit my job.

Quick update

I've been home a little over a month now with Cole and I'm really enjoying it. We stay busy pretty much all day.

When I first quit my job I dreamed of having all this free time...

Yeah, go ahead and laugh.

I do pretty good most days, though. They pass by pretty quickly.

Some days, I wonder how I ever had a job.

An undone post, but it's all I can do for today

I have a lot of things to talk to you, dear readers, about. But today, I'm going to talk about my mom.

My lovely mother. It is so hard for me to think about this, but I've got to come to terms with it.

My mom has cystic fibrosis. We found this out just a few weeks after my aunt, who also was recently diagnosed with CF, passed away.

I can't imagine how my mom is dealing with this. Seeing your sister die from this awful disease and finding out weeks later that you also have it. I know it's been nerve-wrecking for her. Up 'til now she has had virtually no symptoms of this disease - which in all honesty is probably a really, really good thing.

I haven't been too terribly worried (or maybe I've just been avoiding coming to terms with it) because we're still in the finding-out stages of this. They've done a bazillion tests on her to see what type of CF she has (turns out it's really rare), but they haven't begun treating her fully yet because they're waiting on all the test results first.

It's like I told my friend today - this just came out of nowhere! It makes my head spin to think about it. Most people are diagnosed with this at birth or shortly thereafter, and I don't even want to think about the average lifespan for someone with CF. I am really scared for her.

She is one of the strongest people I know.

It's time

For the past two months, we have had it rough. Watching my aunt die, finding out that my mom also has cystic fibrosis, Mike's relief quitting and him being off his schedule/not knowing when he's going to be home. Work, in all honesty, has been a constant, even though we lost a big client and I've been subconciously worried about my job security.

Then in the middle of all of this I have a panic attack that sends me to the ER (although at the time I had no idea that it was a panic attack). Having had a few more of them - most usually when Mike is gone - has got me thinking that it's time. When the sound of your child awake over the baby monitor sends you into a full-blown panic attack, it's time. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're about to pass out at 3 a.m. and know that you're the only person there for your baby? More than once I've had to call friends and family in the middle of the night to come care for Cole because I did not think I could do one more thing.

It's time.

Dear Cole...

I love our morningtime cuddles. You eat, get changed, and then we just sit on the couch and cuddle and you fall asleep. Lots of times I do, too.  It is the only time that I don't have to rock you in the rocking chair first.

Life

Life has been so crazy for the past month or so. I don't even know where to start.

Cole's sleeping habits have been pretty brutal. Daddy is home one week and gone the next. I'm exhausted.

A little over a month ago I find out that my aunt had cystic fibrosis. That was about a week before she passed away. A gruelling week of travel with a 2-month old, with so many emotions that I'm still trying to process.

Two weeks ago, I find out my mom has CF as well. Still, so many emotions to process. Glad that she found out before any real symptoms showed up. Sad because I don't know what it means for her. Scared because I now know that I carry the gene, and will probably end up getting tested, too. Scared for her. So many 'What if's?' ...

Then work has been quite busy, and trying to juggle getting a baby out of the house by myself on weeks that Mike is gone has been a real challenge. Not to mention the added stress of a little bit of job insecurity.

I feel like I'm running on steam most days. So much stress right now. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, but the stress has no mercy: Mike's relief on the rig quit, so now he is on call 24/7 until they hire someone else and get them trained. He was home for 4 days and had to leave again tonight.

I don't ask for anything, but our family could really use some prayers right now.

Cowards

I saw a story on KATV tonight that made my head spin. Here is the link: http://www.katv.com/Global/story.asp?S=14259671.

Essentially, a state lawmaker has introduced a bill that would ban abortions after 21 weeks of pregnancy. He is including supporting documents such as babies at different stages of development in the womb, in order to support his cause. Yet the committee it has to go through has ruled that some of the pictures he is using - those of a live baby holding a doctor's finger during an in-utero surgery, not an abortion - are too graphic.

Too graphic.

So, that's how the Committee on Public Health is going to kill this bill? By saying that a picture of a baby holding onto someone's finger is too graphic?

So many thoughts are going through my head right now.

If you don't support this bill, have the balls to come right out and say it. But don't belittle it's sponsor by saying that he provided "graphic images." To me, that is cowardly. Members of the committee are saying that they don't want the images, which are publicly recorded, to be seen by children.

Well, you know what? I think it would help young kids to more fully grasp the issue of life and abortion. Don't hide the truth from them. They need to know and understand that a baby - even one merely 4 months old in the womb - is a person. It has fingers and toes. A heartbeat. The ability to grasp and feel objects. It is alive.

I am going to write to the representative who introduced this bill and offer my support.

Life as Mom

Whew! These past 5 weeks have flown by so fast! What can I say about my new life?

It has been somewhat of a blur. A sleepless haze where the days all seem to run together. Most days, I have to concentrate really hard to figure out what day of the week it is. And I have, on several occasions, worn my shirt backwards (in public) for hours before noticing or smooched a cute little bottle during a feeding by accident instead of the cute little boy my kiss was intended for.

Before Cole, if i ONLY got five hours of sleep I was cranky all day long. Now, if I get three hours of continuous sleep, I feel recharged like I can last another 8 hours. LOL. This is definitely the hardest job I have ever had, hands down, but it is also so so worth it.

I find myself wanting to Google the lyrics to nursery rhymes because the only one I can remember is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I'm pretty sure Cole is going to be singing that one first! Sadly, I also find myself Googling things like what color poop my newborn should have and worrying about him getting sick because I didn't wash his bottles before putting them in the dishwasher AND afterward. Or turning all his socks inside out and checking for little strings that could get caught around his toes and cut off circulation and cause his toes to fall off and...

Wow, things have changed!

And seeing Mike with Cole is just so precious. I knew he would be good with him, but there are many things that he knows how to do that I don't. I have learned a lot from him. I know he was apprehensive about not having the "mother's intuition," but I think there may be a father's intuition, too. He definitely keeps me sane.

They say...

... That when you have a child your heart forever goes walking around outside your body.  I cannot begin to express how very real that sentiment is.