Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Foggy mind morning

Well, I failed my glucose test. So now I have to go in for the 3-hour screening. Fun fun. I know I shouldn't worry too much just yet, but ever since I got the call yesterday, I've been going over and over in my mind about what I could have done that would have caused me to fail it, and I can't come up with anything. Except that I took the test in the afternoon, after I had eaten all day, instead of in the morning - although when I asked my doctor if taking it in the afternoon would screw up the test, they weren't really concerned. Sigh. I guess there are just some things in life you can't predict, no matter how hard you try.

I think maybe that's a lesson that I'm supposed to be learning this week...

It seems that everything that I have tried to avoid during this pregnancy has ended up turning up regardless.
At first, it was morning sickness:

"My mom didn't have it that bad, so maybe I won't." That thought ended at about 7 weeks.
"Okay, so most people have morning sickness, but they say it's supposed to end by week 12, so only 5 more weeks to go."
Um, yeah. Tell that to the Me who finally got Zofran at 15 weeks.
"I'm going to be so excited when I find out I'm having a baby!" Excited, yes. But completely in shock was more like it.
"Your life doesn't immediately change once you get pregnant; only when the baby gets here does it change."  *Laughing at myself right now for even once thinking that!
"Well, if I put lotion on my tummy every day, maybe, just maybe, I won't get stretch marks." Well, no one tells you that you should probably just lotion your whole entire body, since it's not just your tummy that grows, but your legs, hips, thighs, etc.
"If I drink lots of water and exercise, maybe my feet won't swell." - I'm still working on this one. Still trying, even though I should probably just accept that it does happen to most people, so I won't be surprised if it happens to me.
"If I walk and do yoga, it will help during labor." - Still working on that one, too, although for as many things as I've read that say exercise helps, I've also read that it makes no difference. Still. Anything I can do to help when that time comes, I'm sure I will appreciate.

I guess I write all of this as if to say that pregnancy is completely unpredictable, and that is not something that I am used to. So I guess I need to just hang on, because this ride isn't over yet!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I'm just going to go ahead and apologize now

I'm a bitch.  I feel bitchy.  I act bitchy.  And most of the time, I don't feel bad for being one.  Because, I reason, if you couldn't sleep past 5 a.m. - no matter what time you went to bed - you'd feel bitchy, too.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love that I'm having a baby and, for the most part, I'm trying to take it all in stride.  I know that my situation is only temporary and that I'm going to miss this, so I deal with the stretch marks and the can't-find-a-bra-that-doesn't-cut-off-circulation. I even laugh about it for the most part.

But damn, there are those days. Emotions uP, dOwN, lEFt, RiGHt - every which way but normal.  One minute things are just rosy and the next minute I'm pissed off because someone looked at me the wrong way.  Then it makes me sad like I'm in the 6th grade again and I cry. Or I worry constantly, which, takes away the joy and contentment that I typically feel about this life-changing event. And that pisses me off. I want my happiness, dammit! I don't want to worry! And then I'm sad again because I'm not in my happy place, which is where I want to be. And it's like EVERYTHING that EVERYONE does is directed toward me, no matter how small.

Like the dumb neighbor who lets his dog roam the neighborhood without a leash. Then, when I try to walk my dog (who outweighs this little dog by a good 70 pounds), the neighbor dog follows us all around the neighborhood, bothering my dog - who is on a leash! How inconsiderate!

Or the building that I work in, where the maintenance team doesn't notify the occupants of my floor - two of whom are expecting - that they're going to be painting all day or doing some other type of construction that smells so bad it can't be good for you.  I mean, shouldn't they have a policy in place to notify tenants of potentially harmful (yet probably just bothersome) activities going on on their floor?

And, heaven forbid if I'm standing in a long line at a department store and it's not moving fast enough. I've had to apologize to probably two checkers already who I got huffy with for no real reason at all.  And I'm just waiting for that next man to come up to me out of the blue and ask me if this was an "accident" or a planned pregnancy. Or the next friend who tells me they're ready for me "not to be pregnant anymore."

Now, I have to be honest though. Mostly, I have gotten more good comments than bad. Most people are telling me that I look great. Mike has been really great about this, too. He is all the time telling me that I'm pretty/beautiful/sexy, and he's good about reminding me that I'm pregnant, not fat, and that there is a difference. I didn't know what to expect from him, but I have to say I've been very pleased at how supportive he's been. It's like he already knows the right things to say. Friends, acquaintances and family have been good, too (except for my dad making some sort of reference to an elephant, which I still don't fully understand...).  Most have been telling me that I look great, like I haven't gained a pound. To which I smile and genuinely thank them. Because they don't know that I've already gained two-thirds of what I really wanted to gain the entire pregnancy and they can't see the ugly stretch marks that I have all down my thighs.

Monday, September 13, 2010


Before I get started, I'm going to post part of a post that I wrote the day I found out about Baby Cole:

4-9-10 (Oh. My. Gosh.)
I can't even begin to wrap my mind around this. God always provides.

Last month, I really thought I was pregnant. ... And I was so nervous taking that test, but when I saw only one line I was really disappointed.

I didn't realize that I was ready until that moment. And I think I needed that to let myself know for sure that I really was.

So fast forward to this month. I started counting days and realized that I was late... And the anxiety set in once again. I think it's just worse not knowing. So I went home and decided I would just take a test, that way at least I would know and could put to rest the anxiety. I was super surprised to look down at it and see two lines forming.

Did I read that right?

Yep, I did. And then became really nervous. I guess I'm still kind of in shock. I don't know what to think. I mean, I wanted this - I do want this. I just didn't expect it.


Now, as I'm one week shy of the third and final trimester, I'm thinking about JOY. How much my life has changed over the past 5 months. How fun it is to be in the moment and enjoying this beautiful time. How very, very grateful I am that I am able to experience this. How fortunate we are to be able to enjoy this time for what it is - us, two becoming one. Creating life. Loving that new life like we haven't ever loved anything else.

I'm also really enjoying getting to know my son. It sounds funny to say it, but just as I love him, I know that he loves me. I can feel it. Maybe it's because for the past couple of weeks, it's been easier for me to tell where he is laying in that little swimming bubble of his. For instance, right now, I'm thinking he's laying mostly sideways across the top of my belly. I can tell because it's really hard where he's at and soft where he's not. Plus, I can feel him moving/twisting/pressing against the top part of my belly every day, so that's a pretty good giveaway. I feel lucky that I get to be the first one he bonds with. Everyone else has to wait until he's on the outside for that. :)

As much joy as I'm feeling though, I'm experiencing some of my typical fall moods. Every year, usually around the month of September, I start feeling kind of depressed. I can't really explain why, since I love fall and always look forward to this time of year. It never seems to fail, though, that I get the blues. I'm hoping it passes soon, since I really enjoy enjoying this experience and all the joy that comes with it, and I really want to experience the full joy of this time as much as I possibly can. I want to cherish every moment and live IN every minute of joy this time will bring.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Questions only a pregnant woman would ask

How many calories am I burning when I shave my legs? Enough to count as a workout?

Is it possible to overdose on Tums?

When I'm laying on one side, is my baby's head upside down and if so, is all the blood rushing to his brain?

When I'm starving, does my baby feel the hunger pains, too?

When I'm yelling at Gus, am I giving my baby a complex that I am going to yell at him the same way? Does he think he's going to be born into a home that isn't loving?

When I experience a little ... ahem ... road rage, am I teaching my son cuss words?

Is it bad that I have a favorite flavor of Tums?

Is it bad that I get excited about new flavors of Tums?

Is it him who's craving the sweets or is it just me?  Because if cravings are any indication as to what my child will eat, he's going to come out wanting fried chicken and an orange Fanta. And a Twix for dessert.