Sunday, July 31, 2011

My little boy

I just realized that I don't post enough pictures of my little man on here. I must be a terrible mother. 

Turns out, my little man is not so "little" anymore. He weighs about 18 pounds, is 28 inches tall, and tries to eat everything in sight. He has 1 tooth and eats baby food as well as fresh fruits and vegetables. I would say his favorite food he has tried so far is cantaloupe, although he's not really picky. To date, he has not turned away a single piece of food that has been offered to him. LOL.
Here he is with a piece of celery.
He sleeps good at night and naps well throughout the day. His favorite activity right now is probably standing. He loves to stand up with our assistance, although he can't balance himself yet. But he likes to try to take steps and reach to the ground for his toys. 
Here he is with his Auntie.
At 7 months, he's not quite crawling yet but I don't think it will be long. He currently "crawls" in a circle and doesn't appreciate being on his tummy for very long, but I think that will change when he figures out he can move himself. We usually put a blanket underneath him when he's on the floor, and instead of crawling to his toys, he pulls the blanket towards him to get them. Working smarter, not harder! ;-)

He likes to play, but when he's tired, he's tired. I have never seen a child scream so bad to be put in his bed to go to sleep. Most kids enjoy being rocked and cuddled. And so did Cole. Now, the only time I get cuddles is in the morning when no one else is awake - and that's only if I'm lucky. But Mike? He gets cuddles and the joy of rocking him to sleep on most nights. It must be their "man time." I swear that boy never lets me rock him to sleep like he lets his Daddy do it!
Rocking with Daddy.
He never meets a stranger. He LOVES attention and will smile and flirt with anyone who walks by.

Who wouldn't love this face?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Having a baby and all, part 2

We had talked about it off and on, and the truth is, I didn't really want to quit working. I like working. I like making money and building my career. And truthfully, I never really saw myself as being the stay-at-home type. I was scared.

What if I stay at home and get bored being "just Mom"? How will this departure affect me if and when I decide to return to the workplace? Do I have what it takes to stay at home and be a good mom? What if it makes the depression and anxiety worse?

There were a lot of what if's. That's what took me so long to decide. I kept looking for a sign. I prayed about it, and I felt sure that I would recognize the sign and know what it was that I was supposed to do. I was waiting for the right moment, the right sign. That security of knowing exactly what I should do.

I guess you could say I didn't get quite what I was expecting. The truth is, I didn't know if I was doing the right thing.

But I guess necessity breeds invention and some things you learn after the fact. A family friend told me recently that I looked as though the stress had just "faded away" from my face. The funny thing about that is that she had no idea what had been going on.

What I do know is that I am truly enjoying being at home with my little man. I feel better. I look better. I am a lot less stressed and I am happier. And I guess it shows.

Having a baby and all, part 1

This is a really hard post for me to write. Usually, I don't write about inside personal struggles; but I feel compelled to talk about it because I think it's a topic that is often ignored or looked over.

For the past few months, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety. I'm self-diagnosing it postpartum depression and anxiety, since I just had a baby.

My world changed. Once sleep-filled Saturdays turned into 2 a.m. necessity baths and 9 p.m. whatever dinners. Even when Cole's sleeping, I'm constantly doing one thing after the other: picking up, making bottles, showering. I have no relax time anymore. It's run, run, run. And it is taking its toll.

More than once I've had to call friends and family in the middle of the night to see if someone - anyone - could come help with Cole. I didn't feel like I could do one more thing. More than once has the sound of him waking over the baby monitor sent anxiety through my veins and made my heart race. I feel guilty even admitting that.

It hit me around the third month. I had gone back to work and Mike was working his week-on/week-off schedule. Life, as it was, returned to "normal." I realized the depression pretty quickly, having had bouts of it on and off in the past. It was the anxiety that I didn't quite recognize. Then one night - Mike was working - I woke up with Cole and couldn't catch my breath. I thought I was going to pass out. Who would take care of my baby if I were to die in the middle of the night with Mike gone?

It was then that I realized that I was having an anxiety attack. I knew I would be OK, but that doesn't get you very far when you can't catch your breath and there's someone in the other room who needs you. At 3:30 a.m. that day, I called my dad, who lives over an hour away, to come keep me company and help out with Cole.

That was the day that I said enough. I needed to cut out a stresser. That day, I decided to quit my job.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Quick update

I've been home a little over a month now with Cole and I'm really enjoying it. We stay busy pretty much all day.

When I first quit my job I dreamed of having all this free time...

Yeah, go ahead and laugh.

I do pretty good most days, though. They pass by pretty quickly.

Some days, I wonder how I ever had a job.