Joy

Before I get started, I'm going to post part of a post that I wrote the day I found out about Baby Cole:

4-9-10 (Oh. My. Gosh.)
I can't even begin to wrap my mind around this. God always provides.

Last month, I really thought I was pregnant. ... And I was so nervous taking that test, but when I saw only one line I was really disappointed.

I didn't realize that I was ready until that moment. And I think I needed that to let myself know for sure that I really was.

So fast forward to this month. I started counting days and realized that I was late... And the anxiety set in once again. I think it's just worse not knowing. So I went home and decided I would just take a test, that way at least I would know and could put to rest the anxiety. I was super surprised to look down at it and see two lines forming.


Did I read that right?

Yep, I did. And then became really nervous. I guess I'm still kind of in shock. I don't know what to think. I mean, I wanted this - I do want this. I just didn't expect it.

***

Now, as I'm one week shy of the third and final trimester, I'm thinking about JOY. How much my life has changed over the past 5 months. How fun it is to be in the moment and enjoying this beautiful time. How very, very grateful I am that I am able to experience this. How fortunate we are to be able to enjoy this time for what it is - us, two becoming one. Creating life. Loving that new life like we haven't ever loved anything else.

I'm also really enjoying getting to know my son. It sounds funny to say it, but just as I love him, I know that he loves me. I can feel it. Maybe it's because for the past couple of weeks, it's been easier for me to tell where he is laying in that little swimming bubble of his. For instance, right now, I'm thinking he's laying mostly sideways across the top of my belly. I can tell because it's really hard where he's at and soft where he's not. Plus, I can feel him moving/twisting/pressing against the top part of my belly every day, so that's a pretty good giveaway. I feel lucky that I get to be the first one he bonds with. Everyone else has to wait until he's on the outside for that. :)

As much joy as I'm feeling though, I'm experiencing some of my typical fall moods. Every year, usually around the month of September, I start feeling kind of depressed. I can't really explain why, since I love fall and always look forward to this time of year. It never seems to fail, though, that I get the blues. I'm hoping it passes soon, since I really enjoy enjoying this experience and all the joy that comes with it, and I really want to experience the full joy of this time as much as I possibly can. I want to cherish every moment and live IN every minute of joy this time will bring.