It's time

For the past two months, we have had it rough. Watching my aunt die, finding out that my mom also has cystic fibrosis, Mike's relief quitting and him being off his schedule/not knowing when he's going to be home. Work, in all honesty, has been a constant, even though we lost a big client and I've been subconciously worried about my job security.

Then in the middle of all of this I have a panic attack that sends me to the ER (although at the time I had no idea that it was a panic attack). Having had a few more of them - most usually when Mike is gone - has got me thinking that it's time. When the sound of your child awake over the baby monitor sends you into a full-blown panic attack, it's time. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're about to pass out at 3 a.m. and know that you're the only person there for your baby? More than once I've had to call friends and family in the middle of the night to come care for Cole because I did not think I could do one more thing.

It's time.

Dear Cole...

I love our morningtime cuddles. You eat, get changed, and then we just sit on the couch and cuddle and you fall asleep. Lots of times I do, too.  It is the only time that I don't have to rock you in the rocking chair first.

Life

Life has been so crazy for the past month or so. I don't even know where to start.

Cole's sleeping habits have been pretty brutal. Daddy is home one week and gone the next. I'm exhausted.

A little over a month ago I find out that my aunt had cystic fibrosis. That was about a week before she passed away. A gruelling week of travel with a 2-month old, with so many emotions that I'm still trying to process.

Two weeks ago, I find out my mom has CF as well. Still, so many emotions to process. Glad that she found out before any real symptoms showed up. Sad because I don't know what it means for her. Scared because I now know that I carry the gene, and will probably end up getting tested, too. Scared for her. So many 'What if's?' ...

Then work has been quite busy, and trying to juggle getting a baby out of the house by myself on weeks that Mike is gone has been a real challenge. Not to mention the added stress of a little bit of job insecurity.

I feel like I'm running on steam most days. So much stress right now. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, but the stress has no mercy: Mike's relief on the rig quit, so now he is on call 24/7 until they hire someone else and get them trained. He was home for 4 days and had to leave again tonight.

I don't ask for anything, but our family could really use some prayers right now.