Yes, I'm still pregnant. No, I'm not in labor. Now can we talk about something else?

Today has been a range of emotions. I look forward to my doctor's appointments each week in hopes that he will tell me something new about the state of my current condition. For the past four weeks, he hasn't. Still, like a naive little puppy, I look forward to them.

Let me back up a little bit. Judging from the comments of many others, my mother included, I was beginning to doubt that I'm really within a week of my due date. I mean, if I didn't know the exact date of conception, I would be doubting. Case in point number 1: I'm still carrying the baby really high. Which is a little odd since most first babies "drop" lower in the month or so before they're due. So the fact that his butt is still up in my ribcage means to me that he's not getting too ready to greet the world anytime soon. Case in point number 2: I really have not begun the whole "nesting" phase, which apparently comes along in the week or so before a woman gives birth. I mean, Cole's room is done, clothes have been washed and put away, walls decorated; but I still haven't had that strong urge to clean and sanitize and have everything 110 percent ready before he gets here. While we have everything we need to bring him home and into the world, there are a couple of things that I would still like to get in hopes that it will make our lives as new parents a little easier. But I don't have to. I don't feel the unexplainable urge to run out and buy them. If we get them before he gets here, great; but it's not like our lives will stop completely once he arrives. I'm sure that if I think a swing is going to be the only thing that puts him to sleep, you bet your little hiney that I'll find a way to get one. But do I have to have it now? No.

And that brings me to Case in point number 3: I still haven't fully decided that I'm ready for him to get here. Which is not entirely what I expected to be feeling with less than a week to go. (Once again, that whole pregnancy-unpredictableness thing reminds me that it's here to stay.) For instance, I fully expected to be completely miserable, mad that I'm "still pregnant," hating the waiting game, wishing I could evict this kid right here right now, thankyouverymuch. Instead, I'm really kind of calm about it all. Yes, my feet hurt, my back hurts and I can't sleep at night, but really? I wouldn't say that I'm so ready to have him any day now. I'm pretty content with him staying in there.

Fast-forward to today, in which I experienced am experiencing a range of emotions. I really expected the doctor to schedule me for one day next week to induce labor. And while part of me wanted that, a bigger part spent much of the morning mourning the fact that I was, or so I thought, about to not be pregnant anymore. While another part of me spent much of the afternoon on pins and needles, filled with anxiety about having to be induced when what I really want is to go into labor as nature intended, when nature intends. And by the time I arrived at my doctor's office, the parts that were left of me begun to think that I was just going to have to cry about it. A fully rational way of dealing with things when you're pregnant. :-)

After talking over all the options with my doctor, I realized that even if he had planned to schedule an induced labor today, I would have opted to wait it out instead. (Luckily, my doctor and I thus far have been on the same page.) The basic gist of it is that I'm not really progressed far enough yet for that to be an option.

So, while I left the doctor's office disappointed (for reasons I have not had time to digest yet), I am thankful that, at least for the time being, I can wait on nature to take its course. I mean, there IS a baby in there, after all, and I don't think nature is going to let me be pregnant forever. So in the meantime, I will just wait and count down the days until I get to have an excuse not to shave my legs for a while!

Dear Cole

I just love feeling you move. Right now, you have the hiccups. Poor baby, you get them quite often these days. Earlier today, it felt like you were dancing in my belly.

I'm getting more and more excited about you every day. It still seems so unreal... that in just a few weeks, we'll be bringing you home. I can't wait!

Tomorrow is your first baby shower. I say it's yours instead of mine because let's be honest, everything I'll get will be for you. I'm excited to see what you end up getting!

I'm also excited about the food. Speaking of which, here lately you've developed quite a taste for Peach Mango V8 Fusion. Every time I drink it, within minutes, you start moving around. It is hilarious, and sometimes I'll drink it just so I get to feel you move. :-)

I bought you something today. Since you'll be here right before Christmas, I thought that you should have your very first Christmas ornament to hang on the tree each year:

I also bought one for all of us, since this will be the first year we celebrate Christmas as a family of three:

You are the apple of our eyes and you don't even know it yet.

Love,
Mommy

33 weeks and our Nightly Entertainment

Dear Cole,

You are getting bigger now. The baby updates that I get each week say that you're about 17 inches long and that you weigh about 4 pounds. I'm getting more and more excited about meeting you. I wonder what you're going to look like. I imagine holding you and you being so little, like most newborns are.

At this point, I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant. Which means that we only have about 7-8 weeks left until we get to meet you! I'm still feeling relatively good, but I can tell it's getting harder and harder for me to move around. I get out of breath very easily now, and I can't do the marathon shopping or cleaning days like I used to be able to. But all in all, I'm still feeling pretty good.

I start seeing the doctor every 2 weeks now. That's exciting because it means that the time is getting closer to when we'll get to see you! I really only go to the doctor two more times before the time begins when I'll have to go every week. Boy, that is going to pass by so fast! I guess we should get started on your room.

I haven't had any baby showers yet. The first one is still two weeks away. I've really just been biding my time until after we have the baby showers, thinking that then, this will all seem so much more real to me. When there are diapers and clothes and a carseat and I-don't-even-know-what-else in your room. Don't get me wrong, I feel you move all the time, so I know you're in there. It's just... almost like a dream that I haven't woken up from yet.

Now, the fun thing for me and your daddy to do at night is to sit and watch my belly move. Take today, for instance. You've literally moved almost constantly for about the past four hours. That's really a stretch for you! (I'm thinking maybe it was the medicine that I took earlier that's keeping you up...)  But sometimes, I can just rub my belly and you'll start to move. It's funny to me that you know when me or your daddy are doing that. It's just so fun to feel you move and see the big ripples in my belly as you turn somersaults. What's even more funny is to watch my belly go from being one shape, like a perfect circle, to being contorted and uneven because you prefer to hang out on the right side. I've taken many a picture of this misshapen belly, but they just don't do it justice. It really is a sight to see. I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to distinguish your feet or some other body part moving across my belly.

We're just excited to meet you, little buddy. I pray every day that you'll grow to be healthy and strong and smart and good. So many hopes and dreams for you, sweet little one. I can't wait to start making memories with you.

Love, Mommy & Daddy